Oh yeah...I guess I do have a Xanga...hmmm

From what I gather, my last entry was constructed on December 24th, 2008...Let me tell you that life has went in SOOOOOOOO many directions since that time and in so many ways, I'm looking forward to this year being over...2009 has been probably one of my most instrumental years towards my growth as a man, and also as a Christian...I have faced so many obstacles and trials that I would have never thought I would see...I've had friends turn their backs on me and yet, I'm not discouraged b/c they were in my life for a reason and season...I have gone through some drama that Tyler Perry himself probably wished he would have thought of first...But through it all, I'M STILL HERE...

Perhaps the most significant event that happened this year was the passing of my grandfather on June 11th @ 6:02 p.m. EST...I will never forget having to work at the office overtime, and during that entire afternoon, I continuously told my co-workers, "I don't want to be here" when in fact I love my job and I was loving all the overtime hours as well...But this one particular evening, something just didn't feel right....Later on about 7:30 I checked my voicemail and I received the news that for a lifetime I had dreaded to hear...Anyone who truly knows me will tell you that the relationship my Granddad and I had was very unique and extremely close...He's the one who sold his car to have the funds to get me out of the foster home system...He's the one who has contributed the most out of anyone on this earth, to me learning how to be a man and most importantly a Godly man...

Before he had passed, he had told me he wanted me to do his eulogy and he also told me many things that the Lord showed him, and those things I will carry with me to the grave...While it was an extreme honor to be assigned such a task, it was a great challenge b/c first of all, how do you eulogize someone who had preached over like 85 years and most importantly, how in the world would I be able to stand up there and keep my composure? During the times I would have to speak and he was there, my eyes would tear up whenever talking about his influence in my life, so what in the world was I going to do now that he's laying in state right front of me...Well, all my fears were relinquished the moment I stepped behind the pulpit and the message was entitled "Where will you be when you get to where you're going?"...It was well-received by all who were there....

However, the transition period has been interesting...It hasn't been extremely hard b/c I had tried to prepare myself for the inevitable for such a long time...He had alzheimers/dementia so we all knew it would be a matter of time...But STILL, there's no way of truly preparing yourself...Once again, it hasn't been real real real hard, yet, it has seemed very strange not having him here...Yet, I know his presence is with me and all the lessons I've gained from him, and the COUNTLESS all night bible study sessions will stay with me for the rest of my life...I'm anticipating passing those same core values on to the next generation as well....speaking of which....

A few weeks before Granddad passed, we found out that there would be a special addition to our family...It was a Saturday morning and I was GRUMPY as ever b/c I had to get up and drive an hour to the work destination we had to be at....Keep in mind, when I wake up, I am not cognizant of ANYTHING, I hardly know my name at that point...Out of nowhere, my wife gives me a pregnancy test...Soooooooo I look at it (and of courset it was positive) and I give it back to her and say "oh ok, that's nice" and then I laid back down lol....So she gives me that "black woman look" and she's like "WELL I'M GLAD YOU'RE SO EXCITED ABOUT IT..." and it wasn't until when I was on the road going to the job, when it FINALLY hit me...I immediately texted her and told her how excited I was and everything...And after I talked to her, I was starting to get a little nervous and lightweight scared because of what happened w/ our previous pregnancy difficulties and as a result us losing Gloria...But the Lord LITERALLY spoke to me, as plain as day, and He told me "This time will be different" and eversince then, I have held on to that promise! So the baby's due on January 29th and of course I'll have pics on as soon as I can...And you won't have to wait until their senior prom to see pics, I'll try to update this thing more often now (KEEP ME IN LINE DEIDRE AND KRISTINA!!!! lol)...But we're not going to find out what the sex of the baby is until it is born, so I'm excited as well as anxious to see what happens...

Other than those two tidbits, there's so many things i can write about, but I don't want to keep you here reading all day...I promise to update this thing more often like I used to...Why would I ever want to keep my fans starving for more????? lol But in the meantime everyone be blessed...

Christmas huh...

I truly miss blogging and just about everyday since my last blog (which was in May I think), I've continued to delay it but for some reason I felt a strong urge to write tonight, which I haven't felt in a long time...I have been on a true rollercoaster of a ride, mainly fiscally and emotionally but this is not the arena to get into details and specifics...

But my focus right now is on this day we call Christmas and this is one year where I'm really not feeling it, and I've found myself with an attitude that I can't wait until it's over...The only bright spot for me is that my grandfather was born December, 25, 1916 and he's going to be 92 years old tomorrow...Other than that, and the fact that I am still alive, I really don't feel that much in a mood to celebrate...I know the original premise of the day is to commemorate the birth of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ...That sounds all good and stuff, but for the most part, this really isn't what today is all about...If we were to truly celebrate his 'birthday' or whatever, research shows it was around April/May/June back then, not December...But I just don't like how commercialized and money-driven Christmas has become...Maybe this recession isn't such a bad thing afterall, and will help many of us truly appreciate what we have a little more...

Now I do not want to sound like a Scrooge or Grinch, or any other character who tries to destroy the "Christmas Joy" that is sometimes forced down our throats...I just am not feeling it this year...i can remember last year at this time...I was excited that we were going to have a baby in July and this year would have been our first Christmas together and the baby would be crawling and trying to open their gifts and slobbering all over the place lol...However, the Lord had another plan on His agenda, and now she is able to celebrate this day, and every other day, with Christ Himself...

I still miss Gloria though and wish He could have allowed us some time with her...That's why it pisses me off to the upmost when tragedies like the Caylee Anthony babygirl being murdered happens so much...There are too many people in the world who desire a child and would truly give them the love that they need...I won't get started on that tangent though...It does hurt when I've thought about her today...It seemed like everywhere I turned around at the mall today, there was someone with their baby and they all seemed so happy...

I can't remember the last time I've had sustained happiness...Seems like everytime I have come close to experiencing it, something crazy happens and come snatch all my dreams away...From school, to fatherhood, to having a career, and the list goes on and on...But I know for sure that one way or another, I will achieve a great level of joy...This is only a season and I do feel myself being purged and prepared for the great things that are ahead...If God really desired to have me humbled as a broken vessel, He truly did an awesome job of breaking me and I'm thankful and honored to have been chosen for a time such as this...That doesn't erase the hurt and pain, while at the same time, once that joy does come, I will forever have a deeper level of appreciation for it...

As for other things that have happened in my life since my last post, I was honored to be an Election Official (as I am every year) as we elected Barack (Uncle Barry ) Obama as President...I worked in one of the most crucial counties in Ohio and made sure there was no funny business...I will never forget the long lines wrapped around the Board of Elections, without ONE PERSON complaining about waiting...And I'll never forget the pride and joy in my Granddad's eyes as we watched his acceptance speech...I just hope and pray that when he takes office on the 20th, we can get the ball rolling and truly bring a positive CHANGE in this country...

I'm also coaching basketball again this year @ Youngstown East High School...We have a good team and should make some noise as the season goes on...I just love the fact that I have the ability to help bring a positive/strong male presence into these young men's lives...Many of them don't have a male figure at home and it's an honor to be able to fill that void as their brother and friend...So hopefully we can have a great season this year and make our city proud, while also bringing some much needed respect to the city, particularly the inner city school district...There's so much more I can write but this is enough for now...I'm pretty sleepy, so I'm going to call it a night...

Wish everyone a blessed and Merry Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa....

Currently Listening The Dream By Maurette Brown Clark "Sovereign God" see related

A Time of Reflection...

Tonight, my wife went to sleep unusually early for her and I had to check a few times to make sure she was alright and she says she is, and I actually believe her lol...But sitting here in a pitch-black living room just brought back so many memories of how it used to be back in the day...When I was staying with my folks, they would go to bed and I would just stay up the majority of the night and just meditate, think and just unload everything in my mind and achieve a sense of peace...I would go to bed at like 4 a.m. and then get up at 7 and work 8.5 hours...I definitely can't do that now lol and I think that's a sign of aging and maturation (or maybe just plain laziness, Ionno lol).

But tonight, I am just reflecting on the past 9210 days/12 hours/18+ minutes and recounting some of the most amazing moments I can remember in my life...There are waaaaaaaaaay too many awesome times to name on here, as well as plenty moments where I wasn't exactly proud of myself...But overall, I thank God for all those experiences, both the good and the bad...I was just thinking about how my reality has changed the past couple of years...A few years ago, I was struggling with finding my true identity and controversely found myself lost within myself...I went to a club a few times (for those who know me, if you see me at a club or anywhere like that, I'm like a fish out of water...nothing against anyone who enjoys themselves but as for me, I never did fit in the social scene), hung out with some of my friends and we got completely BENT, and I mean passed out, people sleepin upside down in red recliners and everything lol...I also found myself truly compromising everything I believed in and in a sense was about to give up on living a saved life, was struggling in a relationship that I was in no way mature (particularly mentally and emotionally) enough to be in, having premarital sex, and the list just goes on...There was nothing but drama all around me...At church there was drama, with my friends and their marriages/relationships there was drama, heck even the stray dogs in the hood couldn't get along anymore...

I can remember on one night talking to Deidre and just becoming completely unglued, in the sense that I couldn't take life anymore and just needed someone to talk to...I truly think if it weren't for that conversation, there's no telling what shape I'd be in...This was like the one and only time that she really let me have it...She didn't know all that was going on with me but she cussed me out without using any type of vulgar language (those are the worst ones to me lol) and basically said that I needed to get up and MAN UP and be who God called me to be, I'll never forget that and it caused me to just reevaluate what was important in my life...After that point, I gave up and rededicated myself to God, FOREAL this time...How many times have we 'rededicated ourselves to Him' to only turn around and start doing the same things we used to...

I don't know who I'm talking to, but I really feel it heavy on me to say that ladies and gentlemen, it's truly time for us all to be FOREAL SAVED...Just for the point of self-evaluation, how much do we all really compromise daily just to fit in with the world, when we have been called to be peculiar?  How many times do we pass up opportunities to witness to someone we know is lost? How many times do we not approach our brother or sister when we know without any shadow of doubt that they are living in sin?  As I am typing this, I am just seeing the areas where I have fallen short, so I'm in no position to judge anyone...

I am just troubled by the state of the alleged "Body of Christ"...I personally don't see any type of Body at all...I just see a bunch of amputated parts wiggling free in a strange land trying to establish it's own individual body within itself...Can you picture walking down the street and out of nowhere, your left arm detaches from your body and goes flapping down the street on its own?  That's how I see the church today...I'm so tired of all these man-made denominations and all these different doctrines that are continually keeping us apart...Heck, there were people aggressively against me marrying my wife b/c I was Baptist and she was COGIC and they basically thought I wasn't saved or something, while I thought they should have been moreso worried about themselves and the condition of their own families, but I don't want to sound bitter, it was just a rough situation...We as a church body are definitely too divided and in the meantime the devil is having his way in our streets...And whenever someone does have a vision or plan and wants to do something about it, it's usually people in the church who discourage them and shoot down their idea b/c in part, they want all the credit for it...I'm personally fed up with it and it's sickening knowing the devil is just laughing at us...I'm definitely tired of going to unnecessary funerals, like I did today...

I can recall walking in the cemetary when my wife and I went to our baby's gravesite...I just couldn't get out of my head the thought that so many unnecessary burial places were right beneath my feet...I'm very sure many of their deaths occurred as a result of just nonsense and in no way able to be justified at all...I'm tired of the church teaching and preaching one thing on Sundays and then at 2:30 that same day, doing whatever they want to do...The Church is much more than some social club where we get together and raise some funds to keep the bills paid, get entertained by the great music and a nice speech and then leave the same way we came...I always said that I'd rather "live the life" and just get drunk and have sex with every cute girl I saw and go to hell, than be in the church all my life, waste all my time going through the motions, doing all the so-called "right things" and still go to hell...I think we're in for a rude awakening when we get to Heaven b/c a lot of the folks we thought were gonna be there won't and also those we thought had no chance of going will be there...I don't know where all of this is coming from (well I actually do) but it's time to be foreal and stop fronting, no matter which side of the spectrum we are on...We all just can't have it both ways anymore and I learned that lesson the hard way...

But I'm a witness that there is forgiveness for your sins...And there are no categories of sin and none is better or worse than the other, sin is sin...I just ask everyone to look deep within and discover the Original You and the Original Purposed Design & Destiny that you were created for....Time is out for playing around with it...I first and foremost need forgiveness because I definitely could do better, and none of us have reached the point where we have arrived, so I just implore you all to do the same...I wanted to say more but I think this is enough for one night...

Quick update (2:36 a.m.) I just looked at my wife's blog on myspace she wrote tonight and it's basically saying the same things I was just saying...Everyone truly serious about this, read Romans 1:18-32...This some scary stuff man, but it's the truth

Currently Listening Thirsty By Marvin Sapp Never Woulda Made It.....(u got that right Marv) see related

An update wouldn't hurt, would it...

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote a blog so for whatever reason I felt a need to give an update on things going on with me and there's no telling what may be written and as you can see an emphasis on proper punctuation is not being enforced either lol...

In my last few posts, I did my best to give an overview of how both my wife and I have responded to our baby being born prematurely and in turn, getting her angels' wings a lot earlier than I would have liked her to...I can truly say that if it weren't for God having such a powerful presence in our lives, I really think we would have lost our minds...In a sense, I know that I would have! I can only imagine how people who aren't saved and who have no hope feel...This is truly something that no parent can ever get over, nor should they...We went to the baby's gravesite last week and all I could really think about was the fact that a part of me is in the ground...I kinda achieved some level of peace at that moment b/c if we would have followed through w/ the pressure we received to abort/terminate the pregnancy, we would have never gotten the opportunity to say goodbye or see and hold her...She would have been sucked down some tube and floating down some river somewhere and we would have been living w/ that guilt for the rest of my life...

I understand that abortion is such a touchy topic, and is basically a subject that many of us are divided on...After going through what we went through, I'm more strongly against it than I ever have been...It especially hurts to hear people, particularly young folk, decide to abort the baby because it was a 'mistake' or 'I'm not ready...'  I hope I'm not offending anyone who's reading this who may have made that choice, I'm not judging at all...But there are people who would do anything to experience the joy of having a child and it's definitely not fair...So my official stance is I'm far against it and would like to see a higher concentration of prevention and abstinence, starting in the media circuit...Everything we see on TV is sex-driven and I must say if I weren't married, I would be struggling HEAVILY to keep my pants zipped b/c sex is everywhere and it is killing our younger generation, especially in the area of morale...I would go further into this but I don't want to get too far off of topic...

I miss my baby girl...Even though I only witnessed and knew her for over a day, there is a void there that will never be filled...If we were to have 42 more kids, that empty space will never be occupied...It's really been getting to me the past week and I could feel myself getting sad at times and it's a pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy...I also hate seeing the pain that my wife has to endure at times and it's hard being strong for her as well as myself...We've truly been strong for each other and I can't even imagine what would have happened if I had lost both of them...But in the end, God truly knows what's best & it has really helped to have such wonderful friends as well as family and MANNNNNY others, that we know and don't know, who have just shown us love and support and most importantly, their PRAYERS...They have really helped us come through this but there's still quite a ways to go...But even to those in the Xanga fam, Deidre, Lizz, Kris and all the others, we truly appreciate all the kind words and are eternally grateful for every act of kindness towards us...Hopefully the testimony from this has been a blessing, just keep us in your prayers...

As far as my life goes, I'm struggling right now...I was talking to my closest friends the other night and I briefly told them that I am truly suffering from "Economic Blue-Balls"...I don't have to go too far indepth with it b/c we are all grown and understand the "BB" term...It's truly feeling like a lot of pressure on me b/c I can't have something that i really want and need...So that's basically saying I am struggling financially and it really hurts not being able to fully provide for my wife and to be in good fiscal shape...It is so rough out here, with gas going up to like $3.60 a gallon and inflation is just killing us in the marketplace period and this idiotic president of ours has the nerve to get up talkin about "ehhh, we not in a recession, it's just an economic slowdown..." You know I'm glad I'm saved b/c hearing stuff like that really ticks me off, but yet he is still in leadership and I have to respect him...Just hope my boy Obama picks his game up and get this lyin chic Hillary out the way b/c she is gonna mess around and McCain is gonna get up in there and we gonna be ticked off another 4 years...

But back to my situation...It really hit home for me today how hard it was when I applied to this business a few weeks ago b/c they had a "Now Hiring" on their sign...Close to a month later, I haven't heard anything from them and they still have the same thing on their sign there, and even when I turned in the app, it appeared they didn't want any black folk workin there...Just hope that's not true, but I feel myself babbling so I'll continue on with what I was saying...I have a few jobs that I am being considered for, which pays a pretty nice-sized salary and will include benefits, so I solicit everyone's prayers that I will be able to achieve some level of financial security so that we will no longer have to struggle...

However, I do find myself thanking God for the struggle because it really has made me more appreciative towards life and everything and I am so less likely to take anything for granted...Especially after losing my daughter, I have a whole new outlook and fire and drive to excel in everything that I set my mind to do...Definitely no weapon formed against me will not be able to prosper...Greater is He that is in me than that chump that is in the world...The rest of my life is dedicated to my God, my wife, my family and puttin a big dent in the devil's head b/c I'm finally fed up w/ this dude...I want to break his neck so bad, and I'm already victorious and learning that there are even some battles I don't have to fight, just have to HOLD MY PEACE...And that's what I plan on doing, no matter what it's going to take...

I knew this blog would have no direction or anything to it, just getting some stuff off my mind...There's much more to write, but I've learned in life some things are better unsaid...But much love to everyone and definitely stay encouraged!

Currently Listening Life Changing By Smokie Norful "God is Able" see related

A Mother's Perspective...

For those of you who have read my previous blog, you are aware of the season I am in right now...For those who haven't, on February 22, 2008 @ 12:27 p.m. my wife gave birth to our first child, Gloria Lynette Rheins...However, since she was only 20 weeks pregnant, and due to complications, our princess was not able to sustain life due to premature organ structure...On last Monday, March 3, 2008, we laid our baby girl to rest and officially began the task of moving forward...As much as I want to share the testimony right now from my point of view, I think one would get a better perspective from the heart of a mother...Last week I told my wife that one way that can help her heal is to be able to express herself in various forms, including a journal and I recommended possibly a xanga page because it has helped me over the years and the words of encouragement I've received on here have definitely given me the courage to keep fighting (and that was a heck of a run-on sentence lol)...But I truly love this woman so much and I encourage all who know the power of God, and especially those who doubt it, to read her blog...It's pretty long but I feel it will definitely touch you....Stay blessed fam, peace...

http://weblog.xanga.com/LordCoverMe